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Finding me at my Lowest

Finding me at my Lowest

How does one even being the long and painful process to start to find themselves. I know when it came to finding me it wasn’t easy; however it was worth it. The weird thing about social media is we all share our highs but rarely do we share our lows, our moments we were vulnerable, or even the moments we are so close to breaking. Personally, in those moments I find that I learn the most about myself and most importantly the direction I want to grow. You know what they say: the comeback is always better than the setback. So in part of me being real and showing you a bit more about me, on the last blog post day of the month, I’m going to tell you a story that relates to that month’s topics. 

About a year ago I was at my lowest. I was losing my temper with everyone around me, I was not sleeping and even when I was it was more nightmares, struggling to eat properly, and so much more. I was by every means at my lowest and was in complete denial that I was there. I was a complete mess, crumbling, and barely hanging on. I take a lot of pride in controlling the things I can control and in this time everything I felt like was able to and thought I could control just kept crumbling in front of me. 

A few months earlier I had found out my “boyfriend” was lying to me. I had taken this person back home to meet my friends as well as my parents. Which for me is a huge step; meeting my parents and my siblings is really big for me. This person had met my family not once but twice. This was someone I thought was special. I would not say I was in love with him, but I liked him and wanted to get to know him better. I mean, after all, we had been dating for over 9 months. He was someone who when I was sick would come spend time with me. Someone I truly thought cared about me, or at least I did. That is until I found out that I was not his “Girlfriend” I was actually his mistress. 

I had never felt so betrayed and disgusted. My morals, my mindset, and everything I stood for was questioned. I felt like every single person knew and was making fun of me behind my back.  Every single time I would look in the mirror I did not recognize the face that was staring back at me. My drive and passion for everything were just completely gone. The worst part was I was angrier at myself than I was at with him; because I missed every single sign, every single red flag, and every single gut feeling that something was off. I like to consider myself a smart girl; those days I felt like the biggest fool. Not just because I saw and felt everything that was off; but when I questioned them and brought them up he gave me a new excuse each time. LIKE HELLOOOOO WAKE UPPPP. 

To add insult to injury, I had found out not much later that my boss/CEO of the company I was working for decided to sell it. Which meant in six days I no longer worked at the company I had worked at for years, and instead would be working for a new company that I knew nothing about. I was praised I would still keep my job but I knew unless your name was the one signing my paycheck at the end of the week…any promise you made could not be guaranteed. On top of that I had to learn all about a new company to even see if their mottos, goals, and policies were something I did not mind having my name attached to. It felt like I had absolutely no control over my life. By every means, I was sinking into a dark place that I did not see any form of escape. 

Before I even continue I have to give the biggest shout-out to my best friend since kindergarten; she knew I was not okay and I was falling apart. No matter how much I denied it, tried to push her away, and told her I did not need her help. She absolutely refused to acknowledge it and came to be with me. She came up to my apartment with her boyfriend, we went out to eat, did a puzzle, did ax throwing, and even did go-karts. She never brought up what I was going through but she made sure to remind me of the happy, laughing, smiling, living life version of me. After she left I made a decision to put myself first and start focusing on my health both mental and physical health. 

I decided to take time off and join my family at my favorite vacation spot; one that I haven’t been to since 2013. Each day being there with my family I slowly started to feel more and more like my old self. Being away from work, spending time with my family, and being in my favorite place slowly started to remind me I cannot control everything but I can control how I react to things that happen to me. Once I came back I was able to sit down and organize my thoughts. I started my journal, what I was grateful for, turning the negative into the positive, and my daily goals. I carried that over to my work and started organizing my workspace, my schedule, and made sure that I did not bury myself in work. I focused on what I can do to better myself in all aspects of my life. 

By the time the pandemic hit I was in a positive mental state and knew that I could not take steps backward and that the pandemic very well could cause me to do so. So I packed a very large bag or three and moved back into my parent’s house. I got to spend time with my family which I honestly normally get 72 hours; I got almost 3 months. That was 3 months of laughing, sibling bonding, sibling competition, and heart to hearts with my parents. I got to get away, refresh and reset and find the old laughing, Living life, and enjoying the moment of KMH. I even got to make time to see long-time friends and even family I haven’t seen in years.

Unfortunately, that happiness was short-lived. I decided to head on a date with someone I thought I knew, oh was I so wrong. He had way too much to drink and kept making advances at me no matter how many times I said “no” “stop”. I was very lucky that I got out of there before it escalated any further than touching. To be clear no means no and even if you’re just touching someone without their consent that is still assaulted. The things he said to me that night echoed in my head for weeks.  I knew there was only one thing left for me to do was to sit down and talk to someone about what happened. It was by far the best decision I could possibly have made. I was able to sit down, talk to someone, express my emotions without being judged, and without someone being biased. It was so freeing to talk to someone about everything to help push me in a positive direction. 

I always take some time here and there to reflect on what I’ve been through, how I overcame it, and how far I have come. I look back at those times and as much as I hate myself for getting so low I am so grateful for them. I would never be where I am today if I never felt so low. As much as I hate what that guy did to me, it reminded me of what I deserved. I grew as a person and learned more about myself than ever before. The world is a big scary place but I learned I’m a fighter and I’m going to fight for what I deserve, and the life I want to live. So whatever you are going through, hold on, and fight not just for what you want but also for what you deserve. Live the life you want to live, because you are worth it. 

Now, remember this is just my side of the story, as told by me KMH. We all walk a different path in life and see our own version of events. I think its important to note that although i found me I still take steps everyday to keep “finding me”. You are strong, you are kind, and you deserve the most amazing life. Take it from me xoxo KMH.

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