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Where I’ve been…

Where I’ve been…

For the last four weeks, I have not been very present or consistent on my blog or any of my social media platforms. I want to make one thing super clear: I am not quitting blogging. I absolutely LOVE to share my unsolicited advice and pretending to be a big sister or friend for people on the Internet. But as I have said from the start I always want to be honey with what I talk about and what I express. I truly think that by sharing this I could help someone. 

I have talked about it many times in my past blogs and have even mentioned it a few times on social media. Just like almost if not everyone in the world I struggle with my mental health. Over the past four weeks-ish (maybe more) it has been a roller coaster of emotions, feelings, struggles, and so much more. I had good days and I had really bad days. About two weeks ago I thought I had done it; not fixed it forever but enough to start and continue to feel like myself. I was doing my daily routines, my regimes that have worked in the past, and I felt good and confident again. If you haven’t guessed yet; I was so wrong.

Over the past month, I have been really hard on myself thanks to a few people failing to communicate properly with me at my job. It caused so many problems, arguments, people getting yelled at, the blame game, and so many other things. And all of this could have been avoided if specific parties communicated properly instead of changing the rules and thinking people (I) could read their minds. This mind has been going on for weeks to the point where if my email went off I would jump and brace for what was coming and trying to figure out why I was getting yelled at again. 

This whole experience of course could have been avoided with proper communication. However the damage was already done; my stress was going through the roof even affecting my sleep, I was forgetting to eat/drink water, my anxiety was so high (hence the whole jumping when my email would chime), and I was pushing myself to work 12 even 14 hour days. I thought showing I was dedicated would make things better (it did not) it just made me feel overworked and even more underappreciated. When things were slowing down I thought I had it all under control. I got through the worst parts. I was home free. 

**She was not home free**

Because I just put my head down to just get through it. I forgot to talk about it, ask if what I was feeling was right or if I was overreacting. I never told people I felt scared that I had no control, no power, and felt helpless. I buried it all so deep and for so long that when I did snap; OHH did I snap. That all my usual tricks, tips, helpers, etc. failed me. I had been fighting rock bottom for over a week when I snapped. I was in the middle of a date with my boyfriend and I just shut down. My mood shifted, my chest felt tight, even when I was sleeping I was not getting rest, some days I woke up shaking or with my teeth hurting because I was clenching my jaw, the list I can write could go on forever. My anxiety had built up so much it basically consumed me and I shut out the people closest to me. 

In my past, I have never been at such a low point and had someone in my life that wanted to be there for me while I fight to get back to “me”. I had no idea how to do it; I automatically reverted to my normal state; Shut down, go into your cocoon and rebuild, fix, whatever you have to do all by yourself. I did not realize how much I was hurting someone else by shutting him or her out to try and fix me. My boyfriend thought he was the problem and that broke my heart. Now It wasn’t one day a switch flipped and I went back to normal. I’m still working on it; but I know I have someone who not only in my corner, has my back, but who is going to hold me when it all coming down. However, the most important part is who going to listen when I don’t feel heard and push me toward what is going to make me happy. Which I am so grateful for. 

I share this story because I talk about how important your mental health is and how you have to take care of yourself. My best friend says “You can’t light yourself on fire to keep others warm” and that all rings in my head from time to time. How can I help others when I am falling apart? So I took time off and a step back to work on myself, get my mental health back in a positive mindset, back to being healthy, and back to feeling like I am myself again. I doubt this will be the last time I need to take a break, but I hope the next time I’m not so half in and half out. I hope those who are struggling with anxiety, depression, excessive stress, and so much more take this as a sign to seek help. Find a professional, open up to a friend, a significant other, a parent, a sibling, or anyone who you trust and let them in. You do not have to go through this battle alone and you deserve to be happy and feel like yourself again. 

Here is to a better future with less stress and more happiness. 

XOXO KMH 

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2 Comments

  1. April 26, 2021 / 10:29 am

    I empathise strongly with this post. I’m just back blogging after a similarly terrible end to last week – one in which I also thought I was home free in mental health terms but which collapsed in on itself within a couple of days. Also like yours, my ‘wobble’ was also brought on by people not communicating properly at work – I don’t know your situation, and it’s also hard to judge overall, but I think the pandemic must by now be having a negative effect on work and how we handle it/each other. I hope writing about how you’re feeling helps you (as I think it does me) and will follow your blog with interest from now on! Thanks!

  2. April 26, 2021 / 1:26 pm

    You are brave, beautiful and resilient. Take time for you. Really. Thank you for sharing.
    Know I’m an ear- always.
    I love you.

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