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Broken Heart Chronicles

Broken Heart Chronicles

A broken heart is one of the worst feelings. It makes me laugh because before this people used to tell me I knew what I wanted. I had it all figured out and I would never correct them. Instead, I’d go home and be like damn we are doing a fabulous job at faking it! The number of things I knew I wanted in life I can count on my two hands. One of those things was I wanted to be with him; unfortunately, we don’t always get what we want. And I can tell you every person that has seen me can tell you I look completely lost. Relationships are hard; they take two people constantly choosing, fighting, and being there for the other person. There are no “off days” you can’t call in sick or use a vacation day. It is a full-time job 24/7. I’m no stranger to a break-up. I have been here before but this one…this one by far hurts the most. 

I’ve talked about it before on the blog I was in love once before, and this felt exactly if not better than that first time. I felt comfortable, safe, really happy, and a million other things I thought were only true in fairy tales. He encouraged me to be happy and to be better. We talked about future plans and long-term goals, things my family and friends know I rarely if ever speak out loud about. I wanted to be the best version of me every single day even on days I didn’t see him or we didn’t go anywhere but the couch. He was who I wanted to talk to when I woke up, before I went to bed, good news, bad news, and even to debate what ice cream place was best. Everything truly felt like this is who I should be with and where I should be. Because he felt like home; we could be in a crowd and as long as he had my hand and was by my side I felt like I was home.

To say I didn’t see this coming isn’t a total lie. We had gotten into the dumbest fight ever and it blew up. When we finally discussed it neither of us knew what was actually happening and were both annoyed that the other did not communicate. Anyway, we were good and then he said we weren’t. I gave him space, which turned into us agreeing we wanted to work and fight for this because we wanted the relationship until it didn’t. I truly thought through all of this we were going to come out on top, we were going to be a better and stronger couple. Because I thought we could get through anything. Days of not speaking to each other, sleepless nights, assumptions, doubt, and wondering what was going to happen turned to him saying he wasn’t ready and that he couldn’t do this anymore.  And no amount of prep for goodbye, no amount of goodbye scenarios in your head, no amount of imagination, could have prepared me for that moment even though I was expecting the worst. 

The minute I heard the words “I’m sorry but I’m not ready” it felt like my heart got ripped out. And being honest I still really don’t know what he meant by them and I never will now.  The words I’m sorry for hurting you, I respect you, I care about you, and blah blah blah was never going to soften that blow because once those words are heard; once they are processed; And when they are processed the overthinking and lists of unanswered questions started: Did we or I rush this? Did we move too fast? Was I used? Did he actually care about me? Were my mental health struggles too much?  Did he ever like me? Was I too pushy? Was I too honest too quick? Can I ever trust this person or anyone again? Did he mean it when he told me loved me? Did I try too hard? Was I too much? Did he always feel this way? Could I have done anything to prevent this? You mix all of those with the emotions of anger, confusion, and sadness plus every memory made replaying in my mind…you’ll find me still completely confused and lost by this whole thing. 

Honestly, I still am struggling with what all of that meant and how it even happened; because to me none of it makes sense. We had plans for the future that we made together. I don’t know how you go from cuddling in bed laughing, whispering I love you, and stealing kisses. To not speaking and being ten feet apart in a matter of days. I’m not usually like this. I’m the type of person who laughs and says if you don’t want me in your life there is the door. I’m not going to force you to see what I bring to the table. I know my worth. I have never fought for a relationship before this; I had never done a lot of things before this. When I think about where it went wrong, if I think I was lied to or used, every good memory gets tarnished and as much as I don’t want to think of them I don’t want that. If I think he got scared or just isn’t sure I think why didn’t he just talk to me we could have worked through this together.  I thought we were going, to be honest, and talk through struggles together, I thought we were going to be a team; not one of us quit when it got hard. This leads me here, still completely lost on what actually just happened to me. 

I used to laugh at girls like me thinking oh honey you don’t need him, whip those tears and show him what he lost and will never get back. But now I’m like how do I move on from this? Don’t get me wrong I did what I always do: I deleted all the messages, I made sure when he left he had all the photos/trinkets from dates I saved, I gave him back the t-shirts I wore to bed every night, the sweatshirts I wore almost daily, the things he had left at my place so he had them there when he stayed over, I got rid of the list of all the places we wanted to travel, the flowers I preserved from the first bouquet, and the photos I had printed from our time together that I was going to hang on the wall. I even blocked him on all social media, deleted all the pictures, and his contact from my phone. I don’t know if this is the answer, but I do know just even thinking about them hurts.

There are a lot of bad things about a breakup in my mind. One of them is you say things you don’t mean. No matter how many times you rehearse it over the phone with your best friend or mom, in your mind, or in the mirror nothing is ever going to come outright. We are humans and humans tend to act on emotion and I did that. I told him I despise him; probably the biggest lie I have ever said. I even questioned if he used me because how could someone make plans for the future with me, hold me close while he slept, and talk about his fear of losing me just decide they weren’t ready; at the time it was the only thing that made sense. And I am sure that probably hurt him more than knowing what he was doing to me, watching me cry and knowing he caused it, and knowing that even if he wanted me in his life, saying what he said could ruin that chance forever. Then I have, having to call all the places I booked trips or adventures to cancel them, the ones we planned together, and the ones I did as a surprise that he’ll never know about. Awkwardly explaining you broke up and no longer need the reservations, the room, the gift, or the tickets time and time again trying not to break down on the phone with each call. Just watching plans and promises fade with each end call click; felt like I died a little inside. Lastly, I didn’t realize how many people were hoping we failed. I don’t know why but it’s so much more painful seeing the, “Hey girl I see you are single now. I miss you, can we catch up?” It’s like another slap in the face of how wrong I was about it all.

The reality and truth are I don’t hate him, I don’t despise him; not even a little. I have tried to, trust me and each time I hear my mind go hating him isn’t going to make it better it is not going to fix anything because deep down you know you love him and that is okay. The chances he is reading this are slim to none, but I need you to know that I don’t wish him any ill will. I hope he lives the life he deserves. I hope he finds happiness with both himself and someone else when he is ready. I hope he doesn’t settle for the love he thinks he deserves but fights for what others see and know he deserves. I hope he sees his worth the way I saw it and accepts it instead of denying it. I truly wish and hope he gets nothing but the best out of this life. Because he truly deserves it and so much more in life. He truly is or was such an amazing person and I hope he knows that. I also hope he knows he is worth it and to whoever comes after me please fight for him. He deserves it even though I know he doesn’t believe it. 

Take it from me in situations like this there is only so much you can control and one of those guaranteed things is yourself. So join me in putting yourself first like I have these last weeks and plan on doing. A few things I have done is, I’ve started working out more seriously from exercise classes to running 20+ miles a week. I’ve been using my free time to see and spend with family and friends. I have probably had deeper conversations with family and friends than I have had in years. I have put an emphasis on doing my passions of hiking, yoga, and photography as well as journaling and a few other things. Plus my other free time has been taken by working and developing my blog to be better. Maybe I’m doing all of this so I don’t think about him, the memories, and the confusion of what happened. Maybe so, but lately, I welcome all these distractions. The big thing I keep taking from it all is that I was really lucky to have been able to love someone. And I know that whenever I look back on this…when I am ready I can say I tried my best, I gave it everything and then some, and no matter what I never gave upon us. I know that is a lot more than some people can say when it comes to lost love.

I don’t know what the future holds. I have no idea what is going to happen next. We could be friends, we could be enemies, we could try again I have no idea. The only thing I know is that I can’t stop and dwell on the fact that I don’t feel like I have all the answers; the truth is I may never get them. I truly believe things happen for a reason and if it is meant to be it’ll work out. But for now, the only thing I need to work on is myself. My friend said, “I know this sucks but maybe this is the universe telling you, it’s time for you to work and focus on yourself”. And that is what I plan on doing. Taking my time and energy and focusing on how I can be a better version of myself.  One who is happier, healthier, more grounded, kinder, more in control, more me, and so much more. It is time now to start a new chapter of my life, one with bigger, better, and brighter opportunities ahead and I cannot hold myself back from going after them. Life is an adventure; one worth living to the fullest yet scariest parts and I hope you’ll live your life with no regrets. Just like I try to do daily. Because at the end of the day you only get one chance to live it. I know this post is a tad all over the place but I hope if you’re reading this and your heart is broken you know that you’re not alone. And that I truly believe you can mend your own heart. And if you don’t know where to start, start with you and what you need and go from there. If you still can’t figure it out from there well then just ask your big sis. Sending hugs KMH. 

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